I need to write.
I need to express what is in my head, what is on my mind, what frustrates me, as well as what gives me peace. I need to write about Andrew, about myself, about my family, and most importantly about Andrew, again. I need to let the world know, or at least my followers, how I am doing. And just as important, how others are doing. I know that I speak for many other bereaved parents. Many of my posts are not about me, but about you. Many of my posts are also meant to be read by our friends and our families – to give them an insight into what we are feeling, and how we are “doing”.
I have many ideas that I want to write about. Titles like:
Don’t Blame Yourself, Don’t Blame Others
You Sound Great
Everything is Compartmentalized
Andrew is Everything, Everywhere
I Miss Talking to Him
And some news…
I had my first book published in December. It is a compilation of the edited versions of the first eighteen months of my writings. The title, Never Forget Andrew, is available on Amazon as well as BN.com, in both hard cover and soft cover, as well as e-book.
The book publishing process was emotionally much harder than I anticipated. Not just the edits that had to be reviewed several times, and the images that had to be edited and permissioned, but I had to re-read everything I wrote about missing Andrew, about how I was feeling, about how sad I was, over and over again. That was hard to do.
But the outcome of the process is that it let me see how far I have come. It is coming up on five years, and I still can’t believe it is true. I still wake up every single day missing my son. I still cry at night when I walk the dogs knowing he is gone forever. I re-read things I wrote about the wall that we can’t go over, or around, or under, but we have to get through – and I see that I am breaking that wall down. I can smile now once in a while, and I don’t have to leave the room crying because I feel guilty being happy. I don’t always need to sit in a seat, my safe seat, where I can quickly leave the room in case the pain overwhelms me. I am healing. Very slowly, and deliberately. I don’t really know what healing means, or where it will lead, but I feel healing. But not healed. I will never be healed, but I am healing.
As I said, the book is available on Amazon and BN.com. I am also putting a link to the book on my blog page so you can find it faster. Over the past few years many people inspired me to publish the book, many people pressed me to put my posts in a book so that they can have them in hard copy at home. Well now that is done. As much as I have not advertised or promoted the book, I would greatly appreciate it if people can go on line, purchase the book, and share it with someone you care about. If you would like me to sign your copy I am more than glad to do that.
I have donated several copies to rabbi’s, priests, bereavement groups, and therapists. People who I think can benefit from reading what I have written about what we all feel. It is my intention to invest any profits from the book back into society in a meaningful way. Either to bereavement support, to memorialize the lost, or into Andrew’s foundation to help out underprivileged children, as Andrew did when he was here. I have also had several sales to friends who have purchased and given the book to their clergy or religious leaders, which is a wonderful idea. Others have purchased it just to keep for themselves as a reminder of the love they have for their own children, and how to appreciate what you have been given in life.
It has been a while since I last posted, and lately it has not been on a regular basis. Mostly because of the emotions tied into publishing the book. I am working on that now, and I hope to post every two or three weeks. As I said above, I have several ideas and a few posts that I have started to write. And I need to write. I have so much emotional clutter in my head, too much even for a professional organizer to clean up, that the writing lets me clean out and find peace.
So stay tuned. Thank you for reading and commenting on my posts. Thank you for following me. And thank you for supporting my book.
Forever, Andrew’s father