I Really Didn’t Expect that

I was driving home this evening after dropping the dogs off at the sitter, it’s about an hour ride. I usually listen to talk radio, the news, politics, something that is pretty generic when I am in the car alone. Today I was listening for a while, but with the crap that is on the radio these days, I just could not listen to it anymore so I turned it off. The radio crap was getting into my mind and bothering me for a change.

I really wasn’t expecting that.

I have enjoyed the silence that being in the car alone has brought me for the past couple of years. It gives me time to be alone with my thoughts. The silence and the alone time has helped me deal with the loss and the pain. The silence gives me time to be alone with my grief. Time that I can cry, talk to Andrew, talk to myself – even talk to my invisible friends. I usually like my time alone. But today, I just could not take it.

I really wasn’t expecting that.

After a while I turned the radio on again, tuned to FM and scanned for a country music station. I figured that would not hurt me. For years now Nicole has enjoyed listening to country music. That’s all she has playing in her truck, yes – her truck, not car. She also tunes the radio to country music when we are in Dorothy’s car together. We all sit and listen and enjoy it together. We actually are getting to enjoy her selections of music.

I really wasn’t expecting that.

Back to today. I was listening to the country music station for a while. I have listened to country music once in a while for the past year or so with some interest and enjoyment. When I do, I think of Nicole and how she enjoys the music and especially enjoys her life, which makes me very happy. She used to listen to alternative rock with Dorothy, or the Beatles with Andrew. But now she has turned into a diehard country music fan.

I really wasn’t expecting that.

When I do, on occasion, listen to other music stations, I feel okay for a short period of time. I might even sing along for a few songs and enjoy it. But then a Beatles song comes on, or Eminem, or some other song that I know Andrew would have liked – and I emotionally lose it. I listen to the words and my mind drifts to my beloved son, and I just can’t listen to the music anymore – it hurts me down to the soul.

I really wasn’t expecting that.

Today was different though. I had on that country music station, and after several songs I realized it was more of a soft rock station. As they went from the country songs that I don’t know very well to some soft rock songs that I do know -I quietly mouthed the words and eventually sang along softly with the songs I knew. And I didn’t cry, I didn’t feel sad, I just quietly sang along.

I really wasn’t expecting that.

It lasted for a while and I was happy. I almost smiled a little when I softly sang the words that I used to sing out loud not too long ago. I listened to a few songs and thought of Andrew, and some songs reminded me of Nicole. I looked forward to the next song, and I was getting lost in my soft singing, for the first time in a very long time.

I really wasn’t expecting that.

Then I got home and turned off the truck- and the music went dead. I sat there alone in the darkness, again in my comfortable silence. And I thought to myself, Andrew would be happy. He used to listen to me when I sang, and maybe, hopefully, he was there today, seeing me, listening to me and seeing that I am not so sad today, maybe even a little happy for a very short while. And I cried, all alone.

I really wasn’t expecting that.

And a little voice came into my head. “Hey, you were happy there for a while. You didn’t feel as sad and lost as you have for so long.” That voice was right. Maybe I have cracked the shell. Maybe I can see something down the path. Maybe, just maybe my life might be turning a corner, an ever so gentle corner; maybe I can start to think about living again, maybe I can start to control the path for a change.

I don’t know what to expect next…

Inspired by the song Wasn’t Expecting That by Jamie Lawson

9 thoughts on “I Really Didn’t Expect that

  1. Sally Klein

    It sounds like the saying Time heals is true, Perry, as much as we suffer at having lost our children, as time passes it does seem we are coping better which I think our kids want for us because we know they are doing fine where they are.

    If the radio music you are listening to is helping you, that is great. I sometimes find Sondheim lyrics personally meaningful.

    Best,

    Sally

    Reply
  2. Michelle

    Wow, another great entry, Perry. I’m glad you had a glimmer of light that day and I know there will be more and more. It is definitely what Andrew would want for you. He would probably not approve of the country music though, but we’ll leave that for now.

    Reply
    1. louis perri

      I don’t and will not claim to know how you feel, but I feel your pain. That pain will probably never go away. What I do know is that our time here on Earth, unlike the pain and sorrow, will come to an end. And when it does, we will all be together for eternity with with just everlasting joy. This is temporary Perry. Enjoy the wonderful memories you have of Andrew and may God bless you.

      Reply
  3. Ned

    Perry, Wonderful that you are open to the unexpected – a good way for life or God to give us strength and openings that we can’t find by
    ourselves.

    Reply

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