Father’s Day

I still do stand there next to you, you just can not see me anymore, but I am still there.

Hi Dad,

I have been thinking a long time of what i would write to you for father’s day; what I want to tell you, as well as what you need to hear.  And for father’s day, a day that you have never embraced since the loss of your father so long ago, He has finally let me write you this letter. Of course it is your fingers doing the typing – but by all means, these are my words and thoughts – to you.

First of all, I know you miss me terribly, and we know you will never get over that. I miss you and Mommy and Nicole just as much. Just because we are separated, and I am here far away, I still miss being with my family – the family that I truly loved so much. But please take solace that one day, we will all be together again, I know that. Hopefully not for a long, long time, but it will happen. That is the faith that you must have, that is what is going to keep you going. It will help you get out of bed every morning, and let you lie your head down on the pillow in peace at night. it will let you love Nicole and show her the great loving life she deserves, and enable  you to travel and vacation and see places around the world that you want to see.

I miss the security and peace I found when I held you. There is nothing to ever replace that.

As for where we will see each other again – that is a harder question. I know you have been told by some that I am in a “better” place – that is not entirely wrong, but it is not right either. I am in a “different” place. There is no real “better” place for me to be than by your side, with my family. But that said, I am at peace here. I have no stress, no anxiety, no pain. I feel that I am with many other people who came before me in our family, some I knew, some I have just met for the first time. The place I am in can’t really be described – it justs exists.

We were always smiling and laughing when we were together. Please learn to smile again…

The peace they talk about is just that – peace. I do not have the joy of skating with my team, or snowboarding down a white snowy surface of a Colorado mountain. I can not watch Nicole play hockey and cheer her on with the pride only an older brother can appreciate when his sister follows in his footsteps – even if those footsteps are empty now. I yearn to complete my life on earth, and not have had it taken from me.

I was sad, very sad, when you sold my car. That was my happy place, my comfort zone, and I loved that car. I know you had to sell it, it was the right thing to do, but it still hurt. I am happy thought that it is now with someone who appreciates it as much as I did, and who is caring for it and loves to drive it as much as I did – but it is not me – it should be me. Peace does not replace that.

So on this day when I should be taking care of you, cooking you dinner, and thanking you for being the best father in the world, please know that I am at least thinking about you. Thinking about the great life you and mom gave me and appreciating the time we did have together.

Now please, smile a little more, hug Nicole a little tighter, and enjoy father’s day the best you can.

Your loving son, always,
Andrew

 

9 thoughts on “Father’s Day

  1. joanne

    It took three tries for me to get through this post…it was so emotional. I cried for your losses in life. I cried for my losses in life. But each of your writings reveal another layer and an evolving strength. Be well and hugs to you, Dorothy and Nicole.

    Reply
  2. Laura

    Beautiful. I can hear my Andrew speaking to me in my head all of the time so I believe that this is truly your Andrew’s words through your fingers. I wonder if they miss us too? Or are they so full of peace that there is no place for them to miss us? I’m still having a terrible time with denial. It still feels like a bad dream. Perry, I hope you have a peaceful and happy Father’s Day. Find a quiet place, close your eyes and picture your Andrew laughing. Laughing, laughing and laughing. Remember the sound of that laughter and the look on his face while he is laughing. Keep your eyes closed real tight and keep that image in your mind for as long as you can. I know that you too will be smiling. ~Laura, Andrew Yoder’s mom~

    Reply
  3. Susan

    Perry… I’m speechless. This post cut right through my heart. I applaud you for the strength you found to write this, I can’t even imagine how difficult it was. I am so moved by your words and the ability you have to think as Andrew would/does… It hurts my heart to think about the complicated thoughts that surface on Father’s Day… I hope you take Andrew’s advice- smile more, hug more, live more… Thoughts and prayers surround Andrew from everyone whose life he touched, as they surround you…

    Reply
  4. K'Daya

    I am so speechless I loved loved loved this it just touched my heart I don’t know what else to say Amazing Amazing Amazing truly a letter written by Andrew so Real .

    Reply
  5. JF

    It took three tries for me to get through this post…it was so emotional. I cried for your losses in life. I cried for my losses in life. But each of your writings reveal another layer and an evolving strength. Be well and hugs to you, Dorothy and Nicole.

    Reply

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