I see you everyday.
Often I am right next to you, in the same room with you watching what you are doing. I am so close I can feel your breath, I can see into your eyes. I am there and I watch you work for hours. I am next to your bed at night protecting you, and I watch Nicole at night and make sure she is safe. I travel around and watch over Greg and Todd, and Katie, and Wally and Matt. I was so proud of Katie and Todd at their graduations – I was sorry they could not see me, but I walked down the aisle with them and stood behind them with my hand on their shoulders when they received their diplomas. I was standing there so proud when Nicole dressed in her college jersey for the first time and stepped on the ice and in the net the first time. She could not see me, but I know she knew I was there cheering her on like so many other times. I stand outside Mommy’s office every day at work and see how hard she works and admire how smart she is and how much she has accomplished – I should have told her this more when she could hear me.
I miss everyone so much – as much as you miss me. But I try to say hello once in a while. I will play with your GPS, or the lights, or move your computer screen around when I can – I am still learning how to do that so be patient with me. When I get lucky I come visit you in your dreams, like before Nicole’s games or on Mother’s Day. I might blow out a candle one day, or come to you as a butterfly. I try to communicate in so many ways, but you can always sense me near you. You can’t see me, but you can feel me, you can feel my love, you can feel my compassion – and that is all that I am now.
I am trying to help Jovi. I know how lost she is and how she feels so alone. She knows how much I loved her and how much she loved me. I appreciate all that Dad is doing to help her, and hopefully she will find someone to love one day and live a long happy life. I look down at my left hand and see the wedding bands we got each other and it reminds me of her love. It reminds me of our unconditional love for each other. Thank you for giving me that to have with me forever.
There is so much love now around me, all the people I knew before. All the people I missed so much and I cried over – Poppy and Uncle Cy and Aunt Flo and Uncle Herb, and so many more. There are also those I never met before but I knew so much about – like Grandpa Gary. They talk to me all the time and tell me how wonderful of a life they had, and how blessed I was to have had such a full life. Although it only lasted a short time, it was amazingly full or love, experiences and challenges. As Daddy has said so many times since I left you – I lived more in my twenty-one years than most people live in a lifetime. When I do relax here, I lay my head on Daisy, and cuddle with Louie and Punky. Daisy runs around pain free, she has no arthritis here, and jumps up and down with excitement. She is like a puppy all the time.
I see Daddy in his office every day, and I cry along with him. We had so many plans together, there were so many hopes and dreams that will never be fulfilled. There were so many things Dad was looking to pass along to me – his father’s cuff links, his tallis, pictures, stories, and so much more. Now they are in the house with no clear future. I know he will find someone that will take these items one day and keep them as precious and as valuable as he has kept them for years, and as I would have kept them. It might take time but I am sure they will find a home. I know he can’t go skiing anymore or scuba diving or surfing – those were our activities – our bonding time. But maybe one day he can carry on and go with Nicole and Mommy, or Greg and Todd. Hopefully one day he will realize I will be there beside him when he does, not in the doorway blocking him from these things we used to do together.
I miss being called Thor, or Boo Boo, or even Andrew. I miss that so much. I miss being hugged and feeling the love. I miss Mommy running up to me and hugging me every morning like she had not seen me for months. I miss the smile on her face. I miss her happiness.
I am also at peace. Like I was when I was a little boy. I have no anxiety, I have no stress, I have no ADD or OCD or anything else, and my kidneys don’t hurt me at all. They don’t even know what that is here. Uncle Cy and Aunt Flo play golf and they can swing their clubs painlessly, Poppy tends to a garden that never dies and is always watered. He can kneel without pain and work all day, he is so happy in his own garden here.
I carry around some change here too, the beautiful Colorado state quarters. I put one down on the ground once in a while when I know you are around, or in your car, or in your pocket. Not just for my family, but I know my friends have found these precious coins as well. It brings joy to my face when I see the smile on your face when you pick it up – knowing it came from me.
There are so many things that were left unsaid. And there is no real place or time to start to say them now. I know how much I was loved – I was told it every day. Maybe I should have said it more often, or showed it more often. But I am at peace and you know how much I loved, admired and looked up to you, both Mom and Dad. You know how much I appreciated the cars you bought me and the trips you took me on, and just cooking breakfast and dinner for me each and every day. I did have a wonderful life, and you know that goes without saying.
And as I told Mommy on Mother’s day – I have to go now. Daddy – enjoy Father’s day, read the cards I gave you in the past few years, they mean so much more now – the words I wrote; and keep writing your journal – I read every single word and like so many others I cry at every thought. It is my first Father’s day in heaven and I will be patting Tiger on the head, and hugging him from here.
I love you more now than ever, and I truly know what love means now.
I will write more soon – I promise.