Let’s talk about Andrew

DSC_4097Let’s talk about Andrew, please.  Don’t be shy, don’t be reserved, don’t worry about hurting our feelings or making us sad. Please talk about Andrew. We know he is gone, we know that we have lost our son. We know what G-d has taken our child. Talking about him will not remind us of this, we have not forgotten about it, we never will. It is in the forefront of our minds and the most dominant thought we have every day. It is the first thing we think about when we rise in the morning, and it is what we cry about as we fall asleep every night.

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Andrew putting Nicole’s Halloween make up on, this was a great story of how they loved each other.

So let’s hear your stories about Andrew. Share with us your memories. Show us you remember him, you cared about him, you knew him. Let us know he is not forgotten. Talk to us like he is still with us, for he is with us, still. Share with us a story we never heard, share with us memories of when he was at your home and did something funny, or when he was with your son and they did something special. I am sure there is a lot about him we have never heard yet.

And not just for us. If you have a friend who has lost a child, a sibling, a parent, a friend – talk about them. Don’t shut down. Don’t change the subject. Don’t think other things are more important. There is nothing more important to a grieving person than to know you care. There is nothing better to a grieving person than to hear memories of their lost one. Grieving is not forgetting or holding it in, grieving is sharing and caring.

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I am sure there is a story behind this picture – I would love to hear it one day.

I know it might be hard for you to do this, but any harder than me living without my son? Than a young man who just lost his dad? Than a  child losing their sibling? The comfort of you taking the time and thought to talk about our lost one’s means so much to us that you will never know. But you one day will know, unfortunately. Show the courage, true courage, that a friend or family member needs. Step up and join us in talking about our lost ones. Even make the first step, tell us a short story about our lost loved one, or even just tell us you miss them too. You will make us happier beyond words and beyond tears.

And yes, we will cry. Yes, you made us cry. But they are tears of happiness, tears of remembrance. These are the tears we need, and we will cry whether you tell us stories or not. But knowing that you are thinking about us, and helping us deal with our grief means so much to us. So fight through your own feelings of being safe, fight back the thoughts of holding a ‘safe’ conversation.  That is not what we want, and more important, that is not what we need.

We don’t need to talk about the weather, or the latest Hollywood gossip, or the latest celebrity death. We don’t care. We really don’t. Nobody really cares.

We want to talk about our lost ones. If you are our true friends, our loved ones, you will see through the tears, fight though your fear of hurting us or making us cry. And please, let’s talk about Andrew.

ToddsQuilt

This is the story of Andrew’s life – put into a quilt for Todd. Snowboarding, Skateboarding, Hockey, Scuba Diving, and his Bar Mitvah. This was Andrew, forever with Todd.

 

3 thoughts on “Let’s talk about Andrew

  1. Ned

    I met Andrew a couple of times at your home. My memory of Andrew is that he was a confidant young man who looked me in the eye, was present, was content to say hello politely and then go his way with his friends with no showiness or false modesty.

    Reply
  2. Sally

    Perry, How right you are to ask everyone who knew Andrew to tell you their stories of time spent with him. I know you will cherish each and every memory someone tell you and Dorothy.

    And that quilt is beautiful. Who sewed it for Todd and who is Todd?

    Reply
  3. Susan Wallace

    Hey Perry,
    We had such a wonderful time getting together with you and Dorothy at your home… It’s funny – I was a bit apprehensive about the visit, although your posts here helped me to relax and not worry about what to say and not to say. We did talk about Andrew and Nick and some of their antics:) We were able to have easy conversation about the passion for hockey that runs in both of our families.

    As you know, it is difficult for Nicky to speak about Andrew. When we got home from the wedding this weekend, we asked Nick how the service for Andrew was on Sunday. He replied, “fine.” That’s as much as we got, and I didn’t press it. I hope the day was … Comforting? Gave you closure? I don’t know what to say about what I hope the day was for you… I know some of Andrew’s friends did attend, and I am proud of them for that. Losing a buddy, or in Nick’s case, a best friend is very difficult at such a young age… As you know you are forever in my thoughts and prayers.

    Reply

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